


I'm scared

by GreenGlitchBitch



Series: Stucky oneshots [12]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, It's more just "if this happens there's no point in living" kind of thing, Kind of Suicidal Ideation, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-World War II Bucky Barnes, Pre-World War II Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve and Bucky get into a mini fight, argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-26 02:12:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19758487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenGlitchBitch/pseuds/GreenGlitchBitch
Summary: It was late one evening, and Steve still wasn’t back from his art class. Bucky hated to admit it, but it worried him. Steve wasn’t exactly the same since his mother died, which was to be expected.





	I'm scared

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is based on a prompt I found online. Basically, Person A comes home with a bloody face, and won't talk to Person B, instead locking themselves in their room. B tries to get them out, but they refuse, so in the end, A and B sit on both sides of the door all night. I changed it up just a little, mostly because I forgot the actual prompt, but it works. I''m not entirely sure how I feel about this fic though. It was kind of just one of the first ideas I had, so I thought I'd go for it. Also, I apologize if the homophobic slang offends anyone, that wasn't my intent. More to show how hated homosexuality was back then. If you have any constructive criticism, I'd love to hear it! And it you have any ideas, I'd love to hear those also. Just keep in mind, I don't write smut, or most AUs, but I am always open to new ideas for a regular fic, or a song fic, or a new fic format in general! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and I'll hopefully have another one up soon!

It was late one evening, and Steve still wasn’t back from his art class. Bucky hated to admit it, but it worried him. Steve wasn’t exactly the same since his mother died, which was to be expected. Steve took to coping in the only way he knew, picking fights in back alleys. Every time Steve came home with a bloodied up face, or a black eye, Bucky was left to wonder if there would come a day when Steve never came home. And that thought scared him to no end.

Bucky only hoped tonight was not one of those nights, where Steve came home, beaten half to death. Bucky didn’t think much of it, simply hoping Steve was on his way. Instead, he started preparing dinner. He wasn’t far into it, when he heard the front door unlock, and turned to see Steve, nose bleeding, split lip, black eye, the usual. Bucky sighed. Guess it was one of those nights.

“Steve, again? You’ve got to have fought nearly every bloke in Brooklyn by now!” Bucky said, sounding exasperated, but not surprised. Steve didn’t answer him, and instead turned his head away.

“Steve? What’s the matter? Did they say something?” Bucky asked, noticing Steve’s change in attitude.

“Nothin’ Buck. Just leave it alone. I’m not ‘bout ta talk about it” Steve said, still refusing to look at Bucky. 

“Stevie, I can’t just leave it alone. You come home, all bloodied up, refusing to look at me, and you tell me to leave it alone?” Bucky said louder than before, his tone a mixture of anger and anxiety. When Steve stayed quiet, Bucky spoke again.

“Steve, I know there’s somethin’ you’re not tellin’ me. You can’t hide things from me. I know you better than I know myself. What happened?” he asked again, pushing for an answer. Steve’s head whipped up to meet Bucky’s eyes.

“I said, nothin’ happened! I was walkin’ home from class, and this fella wasn’t taking no for an answer with this dame. So I told him to step off, and he punched me in the face. There! Ya happy?!” Steve said, sounding agitated. Bucky knew there was more to the story, and wasn’t letting this go just yet.

“Steve, you’re not telling me the full story. You’ve faced off with guys like that all the time, and you never shy away from telling me what happened” Bucky said, sounding concerned. Steve’s stare turned into glower.

“I just told ya what happened! I’m not shying away, I just got the life kicked outta me! I’m tired! Now can ya leave me alone already?” Steve said, looking away from Bucky again, and walking towards their room. Bucky trailed along slowly, his expression going soft.

“Do ya want me to help clean up your face?” he asked, his tone softening as well. 

“I said leave me alone! I just wanna be by myself!” Steve said, sounding more defensive than angry. Bucky backed away slowly, giving Steve the space he clearly wanted.

“Okay, I’ll leave you alone. Dinner’s getting ready, I’ll let you know when it’s done” he said, tone sounding defeated, yet comforting.

“Thanks” Steve said, without turning to look at him, and closed the door behind him. Bucky went back to preparing dinner, which didn’t take too long, while Steve sat down on the floor, against the door, heart beating quickly. He replayed the scene in his head so many times, he couldn’t remember how many times he’d seen it.

It was just another old back alley fight, with a guy who was getting too handsy with a poor dame, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. That would have been perfectly normal, until the guy said the one thing that stuck in Steve’s head.

“What’s a fairy like you tryin’ ta protect this dame in the first place? Probably got some fag boyfriend waitin’ for ya at home, scum of the earth”

That was what set Steve off. He dealt with guys not taking no for an answer all the time. But this, being called “a fairy”, this was the tipping point. He started fighting back even harder after that, resulting in the black eye, and what felt like a broken nose. It was also why he couldn’t look Bucky in the eyes. How could he, when the guy was right? He was a fairy, a fag, a gueer. An abomination against God, a scum of the earth. 

Those words rang around in his head, over and over and over again. Homosexuality was not only a sin, but it was illegal. If some random ass on the streets could find out, how easily would the rest of Brooklyn? How easily could Bucky? He couldn’t look him in the eyes that night, much less tell him. How could he? How would Bucky react, to find out that not only was his best friend queer, but in love with him? He would probably kick Steve out into the streets, tell him he never wanted to see him again, or worse, report him.

Those 2 sentences spoken by some asshole, probably said to distract Steve, did exactly that, and more. It pissed him off, and it scared him. How could he look Bucky in the eyes, without remembering those 2 sentences? How could he walk down the streets of Brooklyn, without remembering that there was a chance people would find out, and jail him, or even worse, kill him?

But for as scared he was of being discovered by the rest of New York, it was nothing compared to how scared he was of Bucky finding out. Bucky, who’s been Steve’s best friend since they were kids. Bucky, who never left his side when he got really sick. Bucky, who wouldn’t let Steve live by himself after his mom died. Bucky, who was the closest thing Steve had to a family. Bucky, who Steve loved with all his heart, and had loved, since he was 16. If Steve lost Bucky, he might as well just jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Life wasn’t worth living without Bucky in it, even if, everytime Steve looked at him, he fell in love all over again. Even if Steve couldn’t walk into an art shop, and have every color remind him of Bucky in some way. Even if Steve can’t open his sketchbook without seeing Bucky on almost every page. Even if it hurt like hell, every time Bucky took some dame out dancing, and came back smelling like booze a perfume, with lipstick stains on his neck. Even if Steve needed Bucky like he needed oxygen.

Those two sentences, as harmless as they might have seemed, did the most damage out of anything that had ever been said to Steve. Not long after, Steve heard a gentle knock on the door he was still leaning against.

“Stevie, dinner’s ready. It’s your ma’s potato soup recipe” Bucky’s voice came through on the other side of the door, softly. Steve’s heart picked up a beat, hearing how soft Bucky’s voice was. But he didn’t stand up to open the door. There was too much happening in his head, and he couldn’t face Bucky right now. So he stayed silent, and continued leaning his back against the closed door. Bucky seemed to take the hint.

“Well, I’ll leave it on the table, and if you want it, it’s there for you” he said, sounding ever so slightly dejected. It broke Steve’s heart to hear Bucky sound that down, but Steve stayed where he was. Even with his horrible hearing, their apartment was so small, Steve could hear the sound of a ceramic bowl clatter onto the cheap wooden table they owned. He expected to hear the sound of the wooden chair scrape along the wooden floor, as it was pulled away from the table, but instead, Steve heard the sound of something hard hitting the door gently, closer to his height, telling him Bucky sat down against the door just as he had.

“What a fine pair we make. You go out and fight people 3 times your size, and I go out to dance with gals taller than you” Bucky said softly, smirking gently. Steve brought his knees up to his chest as quietly as he could, not wanting to interrupt the moment.

“God, I wish I could show you how much I care about you” Bucky said, a soft smile appearing on his face.

_ But I know how much you care about me. I couldn’t ask for a more caring best friend _ , Steve thought to himself, refusing to talk back to Bucky, choosing to pretend he was asleep.

“I wish you wouldn’t keep things from me, especially when I know they’re hurting you, inside and out” Bucky said, smile dropping from his face.

_ If you knew the truth, you wouldn’t be saying this _ , Steve thought in response. He turned his head slowly, feeling his cheek touch the cool wood of the door.

“There’s so much I want to tell you, that you would probably hate me for” Bucky said, sounding sad, and dismayed.

_ You don’t know the half of it, buddy _ , Steve thought, feeling the urge to chuckle to himself at the irony.

“There’s so much I want to do with you, that you would find disturbing, but not for the reasons one might think” Bucky said, sounding anxious. Steve’s head perked up slightly, eyebrows furrowing, overthinking that sentence.

“I don’t even know if you’re awake or not, or whether or not you can hear me, but I just don’t care” Bucky continued, smiling to himself.

_ Well yeah, dummy. That’s what you get for assuming that just because you can’t hear anything happening in this room, doesn’t mean I can’t hear you _ , Steve thought, smiling softly at Bucky.

“I want to be able to take you out to dance halls, just us. I wanna be able to show the world my best guy. Sure, dancing with dames is fun, but their hands don’t feel right in mine. They’re sometimes too tall for me to feel comfortable. Their waists are too curved. It just doesn’t feel right. I want to be able to take you dancing without people thinking it’s wrong” Bucky said, sounding hopeful, smiling even wider.

_ Wait, am I hearing this right? _ Steve asked himself. Maybe he got punched in the head harder than he thought.

“I wanna be able to wrap my arms around your waist and just hold you. I want to be able to hold you hand in public. I want to be able to kiss your perfect lips, that I can never stop looking at. I want to be able to tell you I love you, and not be scared of you leaving me forever, in disgust. Because I do. I really love you. I’ve always loved you, ever since I knew what love was. I wish I didn’t have to be scared of being labeled a queer. There’s so much I want, that I can’t have, and it all involves you” Bucky said, sounding so happy, but so heart-broken at the same time. Steve could hear how close Bucky sounded to tears.

_ This is everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from you. I should be so happy, so why am I still scared? Is it because, now that we can be together, even in secret, both of our lives are in danger? I guess that fear will never go away, for as long as us being together is considered illegal.  _ Steve thought, heart beating a thousand miles a minute.

“God, I love you so, so much, Stevie. I hope I get to tell you that one day” Bucky said, sounding hopeful.

“I love you too. More than you can possibly know” Steve whispered, both hoping Bucky heard him, and didn’t. Nothing happened, leading Steve to assume Bucky didn’t hear him.

Bucky had heard a faint ‘I love you too’ from the other side of the door, but made nothing of it, knowing now wasn’t the time to call attention to it. They would have time to talk about it later, but not right now.

“You take the bed tonight, Steve. I can sleep wherever” Bucky said, before standing up, and stretching. Neither man wanted to do something to ruin the moment, but Bucky had to clean up from dinner, and pack up the rest. When that was completed, Steve was sure he was going to sleep on the couch. Instead, he heard Bucky’s head hit the door again, as Bucky sat against the door once more. Neither man moved all night, and both didn’t sleep until early in the morning, each man’s head filled with concerns, worries, fears, and hopes for their future together.


End file.
